This is the first day of my vegetarian transition, and my body is already feeling better than before. There is something about the diet that make me not only be more aware of what I am feeding in my mouth but also of other aspects of my life that I lost control with.
I spent almost a whole day yesterday lying on my bed, nauseous, trying to digest the binging I had the night before. The crackers the ice-cream the yogurt the granola. I put them in to feed the emptiness, which resembles that of a black hole, because it is never satisfied. I felt bored, lost and hopeless. I thought of every possible thing in the world that I could do but none of them seem to make me happy: Getting drunk, running around naked, smoking, speeding, making love, buying large quantities of unnecessary things, not sleeping, not eating, eating large quantities of unnecessary things. Freud’s theory has many flaws, but he is right about id, aka human desires. They are sprouting inside me, fully fertilized, strong and healthy. Their branches in my veins, how alluring, poisonous those beings. I couldn’t stop, so I kept on eating, and eating, because I was so hungry, so hungry with all the wants and needs, and that can of ice-cream was the only thing accessible to me at 1am when my roommates and cats were sleeping.
I spent almost a whole day thinking, how the hell, did I get myself into this, because I was happy the past few weeks. I get to hang out with the friends surrounding me without feeling idiosyncratic because I get to talk with them about music, poetry, cats, relationships, sexuality, drugs, mental illnesses, job, internship and true opinions and feelings, unlike the groups of people I used to socialize with, who talk about job, internship, grades, gossip and guys/girls; I get to spend time on the things I’m passionate about, writing songs and lyrics, trying effects on the keyboard and guitar, reading how synthesizers produce different types of sounds, how in fact a 28mm lens would bring the effect I always wanted on my photos because the 50D has a cropped sensor, how random and sexual poetry could be, about PMS, about pope’s penis; I get to have an absolutely beautiful 21st birthday party, with the fifth piercing on my cartilage, the red dress fit perfectly, the people I love raising their glasses, singing happy birthday as I blow out 21 Jewish holiday candles on folded pita breads, making wishes, and the omnivorous delightfully finishing cookies n’cream cake batter ice-cream cake. Not mentioning the numerous concerts I went to, Beach House, Now, Now, Maps and Atlas, a weird Russian band that I couldn’t remember, and the Metric vinyl gift.
What is it that must be changed in my life? Everything was fine, except that it has become a mess led by my senses. The resulting lifestyle is hectic, to the point that I’m never awake during the day, and take diphenhydramine because I can’t sleep at night. When I’m alone, instead of writing journals for internship and researching on thesis, I watch tons of movies and TV shows, though they are all worth seeing (I would rather do homework than watching vampire diaries), their values are lost due to fast and mass consumption. As for my diet, I never fancy meat much but I tend to fall into a pattern of starving and binging, without noticing what I am really putting in my body. I quit eating chicken after having to dissect a whole chicken last month when Amanda came, its neck dangling when I’m trying to cut its legs, a traumatizing experience, in which we named the chicken roofus, to bless its soul. I have mixed feelings about beef ever since Kait, who recently became Vegan, told me that when she was a kid, her mom said meatballs are dead cows. And this book I’m reading, “Becoming Vegetarian”, wrote about the history of animal eating, the artificial hormones in them, especially the US, and the ethical aspect of killing them. But the primary reason for me becoming a vegetarian is the matter of lifestyle change. Getting up early and sleeping well, planning meals ahead and excited for the trip to explore the natural grocery stores, cooking delicious and healthy food for myself found in Chinese, Thai, Italian, and Mexican cuisines. The attention to my physical and psychological health is knitted with the spirit of vegetarianism, as it raises respect for nature that is buried in this industrialization times, and the equality between living beings. I can now feel the things that I have long been ignored, the fullness of the stomach, the sensation of food, the energy, the tiredness and sleepiness that I am experiencing now.
It is a good time to stop, now, as my body calls for a rest to prepare for another day. I am grateful for everything that came into my life, and as a last documentation, noting down the food I consumed today:
Breakfast: home-made soymilk, ginger tea
Lunch: home-made mozzarella tomato melt sandwich
Drink: Almond honey iced toddy
Dinner: home-made Chinese bean sprout appetizer, potato green pepper dish.
Snack: green tea ice-cream with yeast, pomegranate lemonade.